Secure Communications

Establish Contact

You’ve found us. That’s either impressive or concerning. Either way, the following channels are monitored by actual humans during most business hours.

General

General Inquiries

Questions, comments, existential concerns about the nature of reality. We read everything. We respond to most things.

Orders

Orders & Shipping

Missing packages, tracking questions, customs seizures of “electromagnetic shielding devices.” Yes, that last one has happened.

Media

Press & Media

Journalists, podcasters, documentary filmmakers, and anyone else who wants to tell our story. Press kit available.

Business

Wholesale & Partnerships

We’ve supplied corporate events, film productions, bachelor parties, and at least one government contractor we’ve been asked not to name.

Response Protocol
Order Issues24–48 hours. We take your money seriously even if we don’t take ourselves seriously.
General Questions1–3 business days. Faster if the question is interesting. Slower if it’s been answered on our FAQ page.
Press InquiriesWithin the same lunar cycle. Usually faster. Depends on whether we like the angle.
Partnership Proposals1–2 weeks. We evaluate fit carefully. Brand alignment matters more than revenue. Most of the time.
Unsolicited AdviceRead with gratitude. Filed accordingly. Response not guaranteed but appreciation is genuine.
ThreatsForwarded to our legal department, which is just us in a different hat.

All communications to TINFOIL are received on secured servers and handled by cleared personnel. We do not share your information with third parties, governments, or algorithms — though we acknowledge that promise is difficult to verify, which is kind of the whole point of our brand.

By contacting us, you confirm that you are a sentient being exercising independent thought. Bots, scrapers, and automated outreach will be identified and judged silently.