Shipping & Returns

Production Time

Because your product doesn’t exist until you order it (there’s a metaphor in there somewhere), production typically takes 2–5 business days. During peak seasons or high-demand periods, this may stretch slightly. We’ll keep you updated via email.

Delivery Time

United States: 3–7 business days after production, depending on your distance from our fulfillment partner’s undisclosed location and the general mood of the postal system.

International: 7–21 business days after production. International shipping involves customs, border crossings, and occasionally an inspector who wants to know why someone is importing headwear labeled “cognitive defense systems.” We can’t control any of that, but we can tell you it usually works out fine.

Tracking

You’ll receive a tracking number via email once your order ships. If your tracking hasn’t updated in a while, don’t panic — carriers sometimes take a few days to scan packages. If it’s been more than the estimated delivery window with no movement, contact us and we’ll investigate.

Shipping Costs

Shipping rates are calculated at checkout based on destination and order weight. We’d love to offer free shipping on everything, but we haven’t reached that stage of market domination yet. We’re working on it.

Lost Packages

If your tracking shows “delivered” but you haven’t received your order, check with neighbors, your building’s front desk, or anyone in your household who might have intercepted a suspicious-looking package. If it’s truly gone, contact us within 14 days of the delivery date and we’ll work with the carrier to resolve it.

What We Do Cover

Misprints & defects: If the print is misaligned, faded, cracked, or otherwise not what it’s supposed to look like — that’s a production defect and we’ll fix it. Contact us within 14 days of delivery with clear photos of the issue.

Damage in transit: If your product arrived crushed, torn, soaked, or looking like it went through something more turbulent than standard shipping — that’s on the carrier, but it’s our problem to solve. Same deal: photos within 14 days.

Wrong item: If we sent you the wrong product entirely, first: we apologize. Second: contact us and we’ll ship the correct item immediately.

Sizing

We provide detailed sizing information on each product page. Please consult it before ordering. We know it’s tempting to just guess, but guessing is how you end up with a hat that sits on your head like a decorative thimble or slides down over your eyes like a cognitive blackout curtain. Neither is the look we’re going for.

If you’re between sizes or unsure, email us before you order and we’ll help you figure it out.

We don’t do traditional exchanges, but if your product has a qualifying issue (misprint, defect, wrong item), we’ll send a replacement in the correct size/style at no additional cost. Think of it as an exchange with extra steps and a better story.

When a refund is approved, it will be processed within 5–7 business days and returned to your original payment method. Your bank may take an additional 3–5 business days to reflect the credit. We don’t control bank processing times, which is one of the many small injustices of modern financial infrastructure.